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Fancy Bruschetta

Let me be absolutely clear about something before we start: this is not authentic bruschetta. I have been to Italy. I have eaten real bruschetta, prepared by real Italians, in restaurants where they would sooner set the kitchen on fire than put cream cheese on bread. This recipe would make a Florentine nonna weep into her apron. It is a culinary crime against the entire Tuscan region. It has about as much to do with traditional bruschetta as Olive Garden has to do with Italian cuisine.

It also tastes pretty damn good, so here we are.

This recipe calls for roasted garlic, roasted tomatoes, and a cream cheese spread that has no business being on bruschetta but works anyway. All it requires is garlic and tomatoes from your garden, homemade Italian bread, and cream cheese that you churned yourself... if you are Martha Stewart. If you are Martha, say hi to Snoop for me. Since you're not Martha—because there is absolutely no universe in which Martha Stewart is taking cooking advice from this website—go buy this stuff from the store like a normal person.

This makes a great side dish or party appetizer. Bring it somewhere and watch people pretend to be impressed while eating six of them.

Prep: 20 min Cook: 45 min Makes: 20-24 pieces Difficulty: Timing multiple things (the hard part is paying attention)
Fancy bruschetta topped with roasted garlic cream cheese and blistered cherry tomatoes on toasted Italian bread
Not a single Italian was consulted in the making of this bruschetta. They'll live.

Ingredients

The Stuff That Gets Roasted

The Cream Cheese Situation

This is the part that makes Italian purists cry. We're doing it anyway.

The Bread

Instructions

Phase 1: Set Yourself Up for Success

  1. Take the cream cheese out of the fridge. Do this first. Before anything else. The cream cheese needs time to warm up and soften so it can actually be mixed with other ingredients later. If you forget this step, you'll be standing there in 45 minutes trying to mash cold cream cheese with a fork like some kind of dairy-based anger management exercise. Just take it out now. Set it on the counter. Walk away.
  2. Preheat your oven to 450°F. Hot oven. We're roasting things.

Phase 2: The Garlic

  1. Prep the garlic heads. Take each head of garlic and slice off the top quarter—just enough to expose the tops of the cloves inside. You're basically giving each garlic head a little flat-top haircut. Don't peel them. Don't separate the cloves. Just chop off the top.
  2. Wrap them up. Place each garlic head on its own piece of aluminum foil. Drizzle olive oil over the exposed cloves. Season with salt and pepper. Now wrap each head in its foil, pinching it closed at the top so the oil doesn't leak out. You should have four little garlic presents.
  3. Roast for 20 minutes. Place the foil-wrapped garlic on a baking sheet and put it in the oven. Set a timer. Go prep the tomatoes.

Phase 3: The Tomatoes

  1. Prep the tomatoes while the garlic roasts. Take both packs of cherry/grape tomatoes and cut each one in half lengthwise. Yes, all of them. This is the tedious part. Put on a podcast. Toss the halved tomatoes in a bowl with a light drizzle of olive oil, salt, and pepper. You don't need much oil—just enough to coat them.
  2. Add tomatoes to the party. When the 20-minute garlic timer goes off, pull out the baking sheet. Don't remove the garlic—just spread the tomatoes on the same baking sheet around the foil packets. Put everything back in the oven for another 20 minutes. The garlic gets 40 minutes total, the tomatoes get 20.

Phase 4: The Bread (Pay Attention Here)

  1. Slice the bread while you wait. Take your Italian loaf and slice it diagonally into thin strips, about ½ inch thick. Cutting on the diagonal gives you the widest possible slices—more surface area for toppings. This is geometry working in your favor for once. Arrange the slices on a separate baking sheet.
  2. Toast the bread after the vegetables are done. When the garlic and tomatoes are finished (timer #2), remove them from the oven and set aside. Put the bread pan in the oven. Now watch it like a hawk. I cannot stress this enough. Bread goes from "not toasted" to "charcoal" in approximately 30 seconds at 450°F. You're looking for the first side to just start turning golden—about 2 minutes, but it varies by oven and rack position. The moment it looks toasted, pull it out.
  3. Flip and repeat. Flip all the bread slices over and put them back in the oven. The second side takes less time—about 1 minute. Again, watch it. Don't walk away. Don't check your phone. Stare at the bread until it's done. Remove when golden. Turn off the oven. You're done with heat.

Phase 5: Assembly (Finally)

  1. Make the spread. Put your now-softened cream cheese in a bowl. Add a few tablespoons of shredded parmesan. Now for the garlic: pick up each foil packet using a folded kitchen towel or oven mitt (they're still hot), hold it from the bottom, and squeeze. The roasted garlic should slide out of the top of the cloves like delicious, caramelized toothpaste. It'll be soft and creamy, almost like butter. Squeeze all four heads into the bowl. Mix everything together thoroughly until you have a smooth, garlicky, cheese spread.
  2. Assemble the bruschetta. Spread a generous layer of the cream cheese mixture on each slice of toast. Top with a few roasted tomato halves. Arrange on a platter. Try to make it look nice. You're calling this "fancy," after all—might as well commit to the bit.
  3. Serve and deflect questions about authenticity. When someone inevitably says "I thought bruschetta didn't have cream cheese," just smile and hand them another one. They'll stop asking after the third piece.

Notes

  • On the authenticity thing: Traditional bruschetta is grilled bread rubbed with garlic and topped with tomatoes, olive oil, and basil. That's it. This recipe has roasted garlic, roasted tomatoes, and a cream cheese spread. It's about as authentic as a Taco Bell Crunchwrap is to Mexican cuisine. But you know what? The Crunchwrap is also delicious. Sometimes inauthentic food is good food. Make peace with it.
  • Timing is everything: The trickiest part of this recipe is juggling the garlic, tomatoes, and bread so everything finishes at roughly the same time. The garlic can sit in its foil and stay warm. The tomatoes are fine at room temperature. The bread should be made last and served relatively fresh. Don't stress too much—it all comes together.
  • Party tip: You can roast the garlic and tomatoes ahead of time and refrigerate them. Bring to room temperature before assembling. Toast the bread fresh right before serving. Assemble at the party and look like you have your life together.
  • On the bread burning: I'm serious about watching it. Every oven is different. Every rack position is different. The first time you make this, hover near the oven like an anxious parent. After you know how your oven behaves, you can relax slightly. Slightly.

Stuff You'll Need

Two baking sheets. Aluminum foil for wrapping garlic. A sharp knife for all the tomato-halving tedium. A cutting board. A mixing bowl. A kitchen towel or oven mitt for handling hot foil packets. The confidence to serve cream cheese bruschetta to people who have actually been to Italy.