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Faux Mein

(It's Lo Mein. But Fake. You Get It.)

This recipe exists because my wife walked into the kitchen and said, "I'm hungry. What do we have?" That's it. That's the origin story. No family tradition. No restaurant inspiration. No "I spent three weeks in Shanghai perfecting this technique." Just hunger, a pantry audit, and the willingness to commit crimes against multiple cuisines simultaneously.

Let's address the elephant in the room: this is an Asian stir fry served over Italian fettuccine. Not lo mein noodles. Not rice noodles. Not even ramen in a pinch. Fettuccine. Kroger brand fettuccine, to be specific. The kind that comes in a box next to the spaghetti and has never once been within 5,000 miles of anywhere that would consider this an appropriate use.

And you know what? It works. It's not authentic. It's not traditional. It would make both an Italian grandmother and a Chinese grandmother cry for completely different reasons. But fettuccine is a wide, flat noodle that holds sauce well, and at the end of the day, that's all you need. Is it lo mein? No. Is it pad see ew? Absolutely not. Is it delicious? Yeah, actually. It is. Sometimes culinary crimes taste good. That's between you and your conscience.

Also, we're using jarlic today. That's jarred minced garlic, for the uninitiated. Is fresh garlic better? Yes. Obviously yes. But sometimes it's a Tuesday and you don't feel like mincing garlic and the jar is right there and nobody's watching. The garlic police aren't coming. Use the jarlic. Live your truth.

Prep: 20 min Cook: 15 min Serves: 4 Difficulty: Chop stuff, make sauce, combine
A bowl of faux mein: chicken stir fry with red and green bell peppers over fettuccine noodles in a glossy brown sauce.
That's fettuccine. Don't @ me.

Ingredients

The Protein

The Chicken Marinade

Mix these together and let the chicken hang out in it while you prep everything else.

The Stir Fry Sauce

Mix these in a small bowl so you can dump it all in at once when the time comes.

The Vegetables and Noodles

Instructions

  1. Marinate the chicken. Slice the chicken into strips or bite-sized pieces. Toss it with the marinade ingredients (light soy, dark soy, oyster sauce, chicken bouillon, white pepper). Let it sit while you prep everything else—at least 10-15 minutes, longer if you have time.
  2. Make the sauce. Mix all the sauce ingredients together in a small bowl: light soy, dark soy, oyster sauce, brown sugar, white pepper, and a splash of water. Set aside. Having this ready means you can dump it in fast when the pan is hot, which is how stir fry is supposed to work.
  3. Prep your vegetables. Slice the peppers into strips. Get your garlic ready—mince it fresh if you're feeling virtuous, or just measure out some jarlic if you're not. No judgment. Okay, some judgment. But also understanding.
  4. Cook the noodles. Boil the fettuccine according to the package directions. Yes, fettuccine. We're really doing this. Cook it just until al dente—it'll get tossed in the hot pan later and you don't want mush. Drain and set aside. You can toss it with a tiny bit of oil to keep it from sticking if you're not using it immediately.
  5. Stir fry the chicken. Heat a large skillet or wok over high heat. Add a tablespoon or two of oil. When it's shimmering and almost smoking, add the chicken in a single layer (work in batches if needed—don't crowd the pan). Let it sear without moving for a minute or two, then stir fry until cooked through, about 4-5 minutes total. Remove and set aside.
  6. Stir fry the peppers. Add another splash of oil to the pan if needed. Add the peppers and stir fry over high heat for 2-3 minutes until they're crisp-tender and have some char on the edges. Add the garlic (or jarlic, you heathen) in the last 30 seconds or so—garlic burns fast, so don't add it too early.
  7. Combine everything. Add the chicken back to the pan. Pour in the sauce. Toss everything together and let it bubble for 30 seconds to a minute. Add the cooked fettuccine and toss to coat everything in the sauce. The noodles will soak up some of that flavor. If it seems dry, add a splash more soy sauce or water.
  8. Serve immediately. This is best eaten right away while everything is hot and the noodles haven't absorbed all the sauce. Plate it up and try not to think too hard about what you've done.

Notes (And a Confession)

  • On the fettuccine: Look, proper lo mein noodles or even fresh wide rice noodles would be more authentic. But fettuccine is a wide, sturdy noodle that holds sauce well, and sometimes you work with what's in the pantry. The texture is different but it works. Would I serve this to someone's Chinese grandmother? No. Would I make it again on a random Tuesday? Absolutely.
  • On light vs. dark soy sauce: These are different things. Light soy sauce is your everyday soy sauce—salty, thin, used for seasoning. Dark soy sauce is thicker, slightly sweet, and mainly adds color. If you only have regular (light) soy sauce, use that, but your dish will be lighter in color.
  • On the jarlic: Fresh garlic is better. We all know fresh garlic is better. But jarred minced garlic exists for days when you can't be bothered, and using it doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a practical person who still wants garlic flavor without the effort. Anyone who gives you grief about this can come over and mince your garlic for you.
  • On white pepper: White pepper is traditional in a lot of Asian cooking. It has a different flavor than black pepper—more earthy, less sharp. If you don't have it, black pepper works, but the dish won't taste quite the same.
  • Add more vegetables: This is a framework. Throw in some broccoli, snap peas, mushrooms, whatever you have. More vegetables never hurt a stir fry.

Stuff You'll Need

A large skillet or wok. A pot for boiling noodles. A cutting board and knife for slicing peppers and chicken. Two small bowls—one for the marinade, one for the sauce. The ability to keep a straight face when someone asks what cuisine this is.