Joey Burgers

Instructions

1. Deal with the bacon first. Chop it into small bits—about the size of your pinky nail or smaller. Now you have a choice: if you like your bacon crispy, cook it in a pan first until it's done, then drain on paper towels and let it cool. If you don't care about crispy bacon (some people don't, and that's valid), just use it raw—it'll cook on the grill with the burger. Both ways work. Pick your fighter.
2. Mix everything together. In a large bowl, combine the ground beef, bacon bits, and shredded cheddar. Now get your hands in there. Yes, your actual hands. This isn't the time for a spoon or a fork or whatever. Squish it all together until the bacon and cheese are evenly distributed throughout the meat. Don't overmix or overwork it—you're not making a meatloaf. Just get it combined.
3. Form your patties. Divide the mixture into 8 equal portions. Roll each into a ball, then flatten into a patty about ¾ inch thick. Make them slightly wider than your buns because they'll shrink when cooked. Pro tip: press a small dimple into the center of each patty with your thumb. This prevents the dreaded burger bulge where it puffs up into a meatball on the grill.
4. Get your grill hot. Preheat to medium-high heat. If you're using charcoal like a purist, get those coals white-hot and spread them evenly. If you're using gas like a normal person with a busy life, crank it up and let it preheat for at least 10 minutes. Clean and oil the grates so your beautiful burgers don't stick and tear.
5. Grill the burgers. Place the patties on the grill and leave them alone. Seriously. Don't press them with a spatula like some kind of monster (that squeezes out all the juice and ruins everything you've worked for), don't move them around, don't poke them. Just let them cook for 4-5 minutes on the first side until you see the edges start to change color and they release easily from the grates. I know it's hard for you to not touch things. Resist.
6. Flip once. ONE flip. That's it. If you're standing there flipping your burger back and forth like you're nervous, you've already failed. Cook another 4-5 minutes for medium, less for medium-rare (if you're brave), more for well-done (if you hate good food and want to disappoint me personally). Internal temp should hit 160°F for fully cooked, 145°F for medium. A meat thermometer is your friend here.
7. Add more cheese because why not. In the last minute of cooking, top each patty with a slice of cheddar. Close the grill lid to create a little oven effect and melt that cheese into a beautiful blanket of dairy goodness.
8. Toast those buns. While the cheese is melting, throw your buns cut-side down on the grill for about 30 seconds. This is not optional. An untoasted bun is a soggy disgrace that falls apart in your hands like wet cardboard. Toast the bun. This is basic burger science. If you skip this step, don't tell anyone you got this recipe from me.
9. Assemble and serve. Burger on bun. Condiments of choice. Serve immediately with a pile of crispy tater tots. Eat it while it's hot. If you let this sit while you take pictures for Instagram, you deserve the cold burger you get.